Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
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GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Finally, a door that understands me
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
when there are deer in the woods
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*