My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
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Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti