Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
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DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
DOOO EEEET
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.