Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
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[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Mhm.
Seek kebab; not attention
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.