zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
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Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.