It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
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Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
This will never not be funny to me.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.