I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
You Might Also Like
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.