God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
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I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Social Media and Real life
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”