Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
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Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.