Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
You Might Also Like
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time