Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
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about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.