Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
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Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Did my cat write this
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes