“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
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Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
WTF IS THAT!
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
The Backseat Boys
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets