Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
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how it started vs how it ended
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.