They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
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You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Left at a local drug store…
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
A lot of folks out there missing the point…