Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
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This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.