[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
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I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
okay run it by me one more time
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.