[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
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[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
moms in horror movies
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”