Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
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The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Okay me first
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy