You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
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This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.