I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
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[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
*serious situation*
My brain:
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Canada has crack?
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion