My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
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since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I put the p in pants.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.