Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
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WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?