A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
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Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.