[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
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9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
I can’t wait!
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.