The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
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When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!