“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
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Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.