Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
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My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Sorry I made promises on Friday
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.