I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
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technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”