Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
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ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
oh you wanna fight?!
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Passwords are more important than ever.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Born to be mild.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat