Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
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My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.