He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
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I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.