There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
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I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”