Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
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Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.