*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
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welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%