It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
You Might Also Like
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.