Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
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I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.