I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
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I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
#MeanwhileinCanada
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”