ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
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I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Welcome to the stomach
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church