Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
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Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
He just like my cat fr
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together