My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
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Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.