At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
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His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.