Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
You Might Also Like
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Thinking about Jeff
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.