Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
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Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
do u think theres a butter planet?
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
HELP 😭
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
The funk soul brother
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
wtf management?!
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!