And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
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My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
S/o to @funTweeters .
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.