Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
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I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.