I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
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FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Spring of Deception
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”