A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
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She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.