Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.