“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
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Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Same post same
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on